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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27083830">And In This Crazy Life</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens'>CongressIsAliens</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Perryshmirtz Week 2020 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phineas and Ferb</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>"And they were roommates!" but in the weirdest way possible, And some Fuck OWCA moments, Charlene Doofenshmirtz - Freeform, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M, Mutual Pining, Norm Doofenshmirtz, Norm the Cat, Sorry but Charlene is an asshole in this one, Trans Male Character, Vanessa loves her dads, and it's finally done, i started writing this in freaking april, there's also a bit of angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:40:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,667</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27083830</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, a family is you, your dad the pharmacist, and the secret agent that mistakenly got assigned to your dad. </p><p>Not like it’s weird or anything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Heinz Doofenshmirtz &amp; Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz &amp; Perry the Platypus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Perryshmirtz Week 2020 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974490</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>220</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Perryshmirtz Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>And In This Crazy Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Perryshmirtz Week Day 3: <s>Monologue</s>/Confessions</p><p>i promise there's a confession, it just takes 10k words to get there (this was literally just an excuse to write mutual pining and domestic fluff at the same time)</p><p>Title from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPUJIbXN0WY">Everything</a> by Michael Buble.</p><p>TW's: None</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Perry looks down at the piece of paper in his hand, then back up at the house in front of him. This is it, his new nemesis. 64937 Garden Street. A completely average 2-story house, in a completely average suburban neighborhood. No visible weirdness, no outward evil.</p><p>A strange place for an evil scientist, but not the strangest.</p><p>Maybe he rents a place to do evil. This paperwork says that he has a daughter, a nine year old named Vanessa, so he’d probably want her to grow up in a relatively <em>normal</em> place, away from any evil science.</p><p>He’s also unemployed, living off alimony from his ex-wife and royalties from his inventions, so he should be home for Perry to introduce himself. It’s just a few minutes before five PM, he should be done with any evil but not eating dinner yet.</p><p>Perry walks up to the door and knocks, pulling one of his business cards out, along with his notebook. Most evil scientists don’t know ASL, so the notebook is the best bet.</p><p>The doorknob jiggles for a moment, then the door swings open to reveal a young girl with a gap-toothed smile.</p><p>“Who are you?” she asks.</p><p>Perry gives her the business card.</p><p>“Agent Perry the...Platypus?” she asks, sounding out Perry’s codename.</p><p>Perry nods, then writes something into his notebook, handing it to the girl. (This must be Vanessa.)</p><p>“Dad’s at work.” She looks back at the card. “Are you a <em>spy</em>?”</p><p>Huh. The information paper had said this guy was unemployed, but maybe the alimony isn’t cutting it.</p><p>You’d really think that an international spy agency would be able to get the correct information once in a while.</p><p>Perry nods.</p><p>“That’s so cool!” the girl gushes. “I wanna be a spy when I grow up. And an astronaut. I’ll be a <em>space</em> spy.”</p><p>Perry grins. Little kids always have such big dreams.</p><p>“Can you talk?” she asks.</p><p>Perry shakes his head. He couldn’t even if he wanted to.</p><p>“What about with your hands? Dad taught me how to do that, ‘cause sometimes his projects blow up and he can’t hear for a while.”</p><p><em>Your dad is an inventor? </em>Perry asks, being sure to sign slowly so the girl can understand him.</p><p>“Yeah, he makes all sorts of cool things. He made his own arms!”</p><p>Okay, now that’s impressive. Evil or not, that’s quite the achievement.</p><p>
  <em>What about your mom?</em>
</p><p>The girl looks down. “Dad doesn’t talk about her. I don’t know her.”</p><p>Hmm. Another piece of incorrect information. Is this even the right place? Perry looks at the paper again. 64937 Garden Street, that’s this house. It <em>seems</em> like the right place...</p><p>Vanessa brightens up as a clock chimes inside. She listens intently to the clock, brightening once she hears it chime five. “That means Dad’s gonna be home soon!” she says.</p><p>Well, that’s good, at least.</p><p>“Will you help me with my math?” the girl asks, pointing towards what must be the kitchen table.</p><p>
  <em>How about you bring it out here? I don’t think your dad would want me inside.</em>
</p><p>“Okay,” Vanessa says, running inside but leaving the door open.</p><p>She returns with a yellow folder and a pencil case in hand, closing the door and sitting on the front step.</p><p>Perry sits down next to her. <em>So what do you need help on?</em> He asks.</p><p>Vanessa points to one of the problems.</p><p>Perry pulls a pencil out of his hat. Math can’t have changed much since he was in school, right? <em>Let’s see here...</em></p><p>“Vanessa, what do I always say about talking to strangers?” a voice in front of Perry asks about ten minutes later. Perry looks up to see an oddly familiar pharmacist. Where he’s seen him before, he doesn’t know, but he <em>does</em> know he’s seen this guy.</p><p>“But he’s a spy!” Vanessa says, dropping her homework and running to hug her dad. “He helped me with my math too, but he’s not as good as you.” The pharmacist beams a little when Vanessa says that. “He says he wants to talk to you.”</p><p>Perry pulls his badge out of his back pocket, flipping it open to show it to the pharmacist that he is in fact a secret agent, then he hands him a business card.</p><p>“Agent Perry the Platypus. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Agent P.” He pauses. “Wait a minute, I know you from somewhere.”</p><p>Perry raises an eyebrow. This guy knows him? This is getting weird- even for him. </p><p>“You’re the mute guy from work,” he says, and Perry suddenly remembers exactly who this guy is.</p><p>This is the only pharmacist that knows ASL, so whenever Perry goes to pick up his T, he talks to this guy. They’ve sort-of known each other for what, seven years now? Ever since Perry moved to Danville, he’s seen the same pharmacist. (Not that he even knows the guy’s name.)</p><p>Well. It’s certainly a small world.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” he asks.</p><p>Perry pulls out the piece of paper with the nemesis information on it and hands it to the pharmacist.</p><p>The pharmacist scans the paper briefly, eyes narrowing. “This isn’t me,” he says. “The address is right, and some of the information on Vanessa is right, but...You must have the wrong Heinz Doofenshmirtz,” he finishes.</p><p>The wrong Heinz Doofenshmirtz? How many are there in the world? Or Danville, for that matter?</p><p>Apparently, at least two.</p><p><em>Well, since you’re obviously not evil, I’m going to talk to my superiors about this. Enjoy the rest of your night,</em> Perry signs.</p><p>“You too,” pharmacist Heinz Doofenshmirtz says, handing the paper back over. Perry waves goodbye to Vanessa, then turns to leave.</p><p>“Hang on, Agent P.” Perry turns around to see Heinz scribbling something on the back of Perry’s business card. He hands it back to Perry, with a phone number written on it. “Text me when you have more information, okay?”</p><p>Perry nods. <em>Will do,</em> he signs, and he turns to leave.</p><p>“Bye, Mr. Spy,” Vanessa says, and Perry can’t help but smile as he walks away.</p>
<hr/><p>Perry sighs as he walks into Major Monogram’s office the next day. Hopefully, he can get some actual answers.</p><p>“So, Agent P, it looks like you were mistakenly assigned to a not-evil Heinz Doofenshmirtz,” the Major says as he shuffles through some paperwork.</p><p>Perry nods. No shit.</p><p>“Looking at the paperwork that the <em>evil</em> Doofenshmirtz submitted, it appears that he accidentally submitted two copies of the nemesis application. Normally," the Major says, "we would filter these out, but this one seems to have slipped through.”</p><p>
  <em>That doesn’t explain how I ended up assigned to a clearly-not-evil pharmacist. </em>
</p><p>The Major sighs. “One of the interns was trying out a new computer program, and it spit out two pages with separate addresses. You were given the wrong one.”</p><p>Ah, yes. Blaming his own screw-up on the interns. </p><p><em>Can I just be assigned to the other Doofenshmirtz then? </em>Perry asks. </p><p>Monogram shakes his head. “We’ve already called Peter the Panda down from Seattle to be his nemesis.”</p><p>Well, okay then. Stupid bureaucracy, messing up his first proper nemesis-ship. There had been that whole deal with Doctor Kable while Agent B was on maternity leave, but other than that, he’s been an all-purpose agent. As one of OWCA’s top operatives, he spends a lot of time travelling for dangerous international missions. It’s why he lives with his brother and nephew. He’s barely in Danville for longer than two weeks at a time.</p><p>When he applied for a full-time nemesis, he had hoped to be able to stay in Danville. Spend time at home, be a good uncle to Ferb, maybe get his own place. Maybe find a partner and have a nice, quiet, domestic home life. He gets enough excitement in his job as it is, it would be nice to have something quiet and calm to come home to.</p><p>But now that he’s assigned to a not-evil nemesis, is he just going to go right back to dangerous, travelling missions?</p><p><em>Can I be assigned a different nemesis altogether?</em> He asks.</p><p>“Well...no,” the Major says. “Normally, it takes about a year before we send in somebody to evaluate the nemesis-ship, and if they decide that he’s not evil, you two won’t be nemeses anymore. However, in these specific circumstances, we could send in a specialist much sooner.”</p><p><em>Then do that,</em> Perry signs.</p><p>“The problem is,” the Major says with a sigh, “said specialist is swamped, and tends to get kidnapped rather frequently, so he likely won’t get to you until...2020.”</p><p>Perry’s mouth falls open. <em>But that’s nine years from now! Surely there’s another way. </em></p><p>“Sorry, Agent P. OWCA regulations and all that.”</p><p>Perry groans inwardly. Stupid rules. Why can’t he just have a normal nemesis?</p><p>“It looks like you’ll be stuck with Doctor Doofenshmirtz until further notice. However, since he <em>is</em> just a pharmacist, you’ll only have to check on him every three days instead of the usual daily, and you’ll still be given the usual side missions.”</p><p>So he’ll have a nemesis <em>and</em> he’ll still have to do all the usual international crap. Well, given his luck, that’s probably the best he could have hoped for. At least he won’t have to deal with the usual nemesis requirements.</p><p>“Any other concerns, Agent P?”</p><p>Perry shakes his head.</p><p>“Then you’re dismissed.”</p><p>Perry stands, salutes, and leaves the office.</p><p>What an absolute mess this whole situation is. Even with the amendments to the usual nemesis requirements, he’s still going to have to see this other, <em>not</em> evil Heinz Doofenshmirtz two or three times a week. For nine years.</p><p>He pulls the business card with Heinz’s number on it out of his hat, running his thumb over the messy handwriting.</p><p>If things are going to be like this for the next nine years, then Heinz might as well be in the loop.</p>
<hr/><p>About a year later, on one of the usual visits to the house on Garden Street, Heinz asks him to stay for a little while. That isn't unusual, since they've struck up a surprisingly close friendship in their first year of being "nemeses". </p><p>When Vanessa is out of earshot, off in her room doing whatever it is ten-year-olds do, Heinz asks him to follow him into the kitchen. It <em>is</em> late October, after all, and the air is rather chilly, so staying outside to chat on the front step isn't much of an option anymore.</p><p>Standing in the kitchen, while Heinz searches for something in a stack of papers, Perry’s eyes drink in the details. The clock on the microwave is one minute fast, the coffee pot is mostly empty, there’s a trace of a green crayon scribble on the wall at about knee height.</p><p>And there’s a bright red self destruct button on the stove.</p><p><em>What’s that?</em> Perry asks, getting Heinz’s attention and pointing towards the button.</p><p>“Oh, that? Sometimes the things I invent don’t work right, and when I really can’t figure it out, I find it easier to just start over.”</p><p><em>Does it explode?</em> Perry asks, one eyebrow raised.</p><p>“Heck no,” Heinz says, shaking his head. “I’m pretty blast proof-” he opens and closes his left hand in explanation, and Perry remembers that Heinz has built his own arms, “-but Vanessa isn’t, and I don’t want to hurt her. It just disintegrates. It doesn’t smell too good because of the chemical reaction, but running a fan is much easier than cleaning up after an explosion.”</p><p>He raps on his right bicep, producing a clanging sound. “Learned that one the hard way in university. But that’s not what I was wanting to talk about.”</p><p>Heinz finds the paper he was looking for and hands it to Perry.</p><p>It’s a letter from a lawyer, on behalf of a Charlene von Roddenstein.</p><p>Heinz sighs. “Way back before I moved to Danville with Vanessa, I was dating a woman named Charlene. Long story short, she wound up pregnant and we wanted to give the baby up for adoption. Neither of us really wanted to have kids at that point. At least until Vanessa was born. I held her, and just, bam. I couldn’t just give her up.”</p><p>“Obviously,” he says, “she didn’t feel the same way. We took her home from the hospital, but two weeks later, I came home from work early and she-” Heinz takes a shuddering breath, “-she was leaving. I tried to talk to her, but she walked out and never came back.”</p><p>Perry moves around the counter to put a comforting hand on Heinz’s back.</p><p>“I moved to Danville shortly after, since I got a job offer here. But I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”</p><p>He gestures towards the letter now sitting innocently on the counter. “Until now. I haven’t seen her in ten years. She doesn’t say <em>anything, </em>leaving me to both work and care for a baby on my own. And now she wants full custody.”</p><p>Perry looks at the letter. What would make someone want to do that? </p><p>“I just...I can deal with this, but can you watch Vanessa while I talk with lawyers and such? I know she’s probably old enough to figure out what’s going on, but I don’t want to drag her into anything, especially things that happened when she was an infant."</p><p>Perry nods. He can do that, no problem. Honestly, whatever Heinz needs right now, he’d be happy to help out. That's what friends are for, right?</p><p>And he can claim it’s for work, which means he won’t get interrupted by other missions. There are very few perks to being mistakenly assigned a nemesis who isn’t <em>actually</em> evil, but this is one of them.</p><p>Perry smiles reassuringly, taking his hand off Heinz’s back to sign. <em>No problem. I’m here for you. </em></p><p>Heinz looks back down at the letter. “We’re having our first meeting on Tuesday at two, so if you could just keep an eye on her for a while. Take her to the park or something, I dunno.”</p><p><em>That sounds good,</em> Perry signs. <em>I’m always here for you. Whatever you need, I can help. </em></p><p>“Then I’ll see you Tuesday, I suppose?” Heinz asks. </p><p>
  <em>Monday. </em>
</p><p>“Right, the whole nemesis thing. See you on Monday?”</p><p><em>See you then,</em> Perry signs, leaving the Doofenshmirtz household.</p><p>It turns out that Vanessa is a remarkably easy child to look after, compared to his nephew and Linda’s son. Those two are always building something enormous and unsafe. They’re only <em>three</em>, for god’s sake, how are they building robots already?</p><p>Vanessa, on the other hand, is content to sit and read, or do her homework, or play piano. Frequently, they’ll walk to the park and meet up with her school friends.</p><p>She’s by no means an easy child, but it’s a lot easier to keep her from building giant robots.</p><p>Perry takes her to the library on Tuesdays, where they meet up with Candace, Phineas, and Ferb. Those days are always a little more stressful, since it's four children to look after, but thankfully Phineas and Ferb have gotten the hang of “no building in the library”. Candace and Vanessa are nearly the same age, so they have similar interests and taste in books.</p><p>Heinz meets with Charlene and her lawyer once a week, and his own lawyer on the same basis. (Perry had talked to some of his agent friends, and come up with an excellent lawyer. Heinz has no idea how he does it.)</p><p>They’ve fallen into a sort of routine, right up until Vanessa gets sick in mid November.</p><p>Thankfully, it doesn’t seem too bad, just a stomach flu. Vanessa stays home, and Heinz leaves Perry a house key before he leaves for another meeting with Charlene.</p><p>Speaking of their meetings, they really haven’t been going well. For all that he can tell, the only reason Charlene wants Vanessa is so that she can hold it over him.</p><p>And that’s just not going to fly. She left them. And she hasn’t paid a penny in child support in a little over ten years-isn’t that illegal or something? </p><p>The truth is, no matter how hard Heinz fights, he could still end up losing because he's a single <em>dad</em>, and that scares him. So the majority of these meetings are him trying to convince her to let it go.</p><p>Unfortunately, she’s just as stubborn as he is. Every day, she tries to find something to nitpick with his parenting. For example, today, she’s decided to go after Perry.</p><p>Charlene huffs. “I don’t get it. You trust this random man with your daughter, and yet you want full custody?”</p><p>Heinz sighs, ignoring his phone buzzing in his pocket. “First off, he’s not a random man. I met him through work, and we’re good friends. He was willing to look after Vanessa a couple of days a week while we have these meetings.”</p><p>“How do you know he’s not trying to kidnap her?”</p><p>“Well, most of the time, he’s also looking after his niece and nephews at the same time.” That part isn’t <em>quite</em> true, Candace and Phineas aren’t (yet) Perry’s niece and nephew, but Ferb is, so he figures it won’t hurt to bend the truth in such an insignificant way.</p><p>It’s not like Charlene cares.</p><p>“You’re not...<em>involved</em> with him?” Charlene asks, clearly disdainful.</p><p>Heinz shakes his head. Perry had told him in a one-off sort of way (Heinz still isn’t really sure if he <em>knew </em>he was saying it) that he likes men, but that doesn’t mean Heinz does.</p><p>His phone buzzes again.. He pulls his phone out, if only to silence it, but he realizes that Perry has been texting him.</p><p>And Perry never does that, unless it’s an emergency. And Vanessa’s been sick...</p><p>
  <em>V is getting worse. Get home ASAP. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s blood. I’m taking her to Danville general. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s her appendix. They’re taking her back rn. Get here now.</em>
</p><p>Oh no. The blood drains from Heinz’s face. “Vanessa’s in the hospital,” he says, standing and pulling on his coat. “I have to leave.”</p><p>“So? We’re almost done,” Charlene says.</p><p><em>This</em> is the woman that wants custody of his daughter? Somebody who just brushes off the fact that her daughter is <em>in the hospital, sick.</em></p><p>He isn’t even going to stop to say anything to Charlene, as much as she deserves it. Instead, he leaves the small office and dashes out to his car.</p><p>Traffic, thankfully, is light on the way to the hospital. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t go anywhere near the speed limit, so it’s probably a miracle he doesn’t get pulled over.</p><p>Heinz parks as fast as possible, and rushes into the waiting room, looking around for Perry.</p><p>Thankfully, Perry’s teal hair makes him easy to spot. He rushes up to the agent, desperate to know if Vanessa is alright.</p><p>(Charlene, he notes in the back of his mind, is nowhere to be found.)</p><p>“How is she?” Heinz asks, all in a rush.</p><p><em>She’s in surgery right now,</em> Perry signs. <em>Thankfully, we got here before anything got too bad. </em></p><p>“Oh, Perry, you’re a lifesaver,” Heinz says, nearly collapsing into Perry’s open arms.</p><p><em>It’s what I do, </em>Perry signs when Heinz lets go. <em>I’ll always be here for you two. </em></p><p>As they wait nervously in Danville’s ER, Heinz’s brain reviews everything that he remembers could <em>possibly</em> go wrong. Every single possible complication, over and over, until his head is spinning and he’s practically shaking.</p><p>Then Perry asks if he’s okay, says that it’s okay to worry, and Heinz remembers that all the things that he was freaking out about are incredibly rare.</p><p>There’s still worry, of course, because it’s his <em>little girl </em>who’s sick, but with a friend by his side, things seem much more manageable.</p><p>Thankfully, Vanessa ends up fine. She gets the next few days off of school to recover, and a scar on her abdomen, but she goes through it all with a grin.</p><p>Heinz still takes the whole next week off of work to take care of her.</p><p>(It’s rather telling that during the whole week, Heinz hears nothing from Charlene.)</p><p>Perry, on the other hand, shows up every day to help out and make sure things are going okay. If there was any doubt that they were close, those doubts are completely squashed.</p><p>Six weeks later, on December twenty-third, four people leave the courthouse, all in high spirits. A light snowfall dusts the steps of the courthouse, enough to make the atmosphere look festive but not so much that the roads get horribly congested.</p><p>Heinz’s lawyer gets the satisfaction of another case won.</p><p>Perry is happy for Heinz. His happiness is infectious, his broad grin lighting up his face.</p><p>Vanessa is glad to be staying with her dad. She was kind of scared of her mother, seeing how Charlene never even <em>talked</em> to her.</p><p>And Heinz is <em>elated</em>. He gets to stay with Vanessa. He won a custody battle somehow stacked against him. Picking up Vanessa at the bottom of the courthouse steps, he spins her around in a circle. Vanessa laughs as Heinz sets her down, sticking her tongue out to catch snowflakes.</p><p>The only unhappy person leaving the courthouse is Charlene. Not only did she get <em>no</em> custody and very limited visitation rights, but she also is being forced to pay off all her back child support.</p><p>(Apparently, she also has several criminal charges on her record, bribed off, but none of them are exactly at liberty to care about that.)</p><p>Heinz insists on inviting Perry to spend Christmas Eve with them, since he was such a big help, and Perry accepts. They bake cookies, and Vanessa laughs when Perry accidentally gets powdered sugar all over himself.</p><p>It’s nice to spend Christmas Eve with a family of sorts. For the past several years, he’s been out on dangerous missions with barely the time or internet connection to video-call Ferb and Lawrence. A couple times, back before Ferb was born, all Perry was able to do was send an email to Lawrence wishing him well.</p><p>But this year, he’s not out on a mission. He gets to spend Christmas Eve with his so-called nemesis, and Christmas day with his family.</p><p>Late that night, as he attempts to drive his motorcycle home through the snow, he remembers how he thought having a pharmacist as a nemesis would be awful.</p><p>It turns out, having Heinz as a nemesis is one of the best things he could even dream of.</p>
<hr/><p>Perry sighs and takes off his glasses, rubbing at his eyes. It’s late, he’s exhausted, and he almost forgot to check in on his supposed nemesis.</p><p><em>Supposed</em> is the key word. They’re really more of friends. It’s been about a year since the whole custody thing, and they’ve become even closer friends through that year.</p><p>So close, in fact, that when Heinz had answered the door and seen just how exhausted Perry is, he invited the agent in. Despite the fact that it’s going on ten PM.</p><p>“You good?” Heinz asks, sitting down next to him with a cup of coffee.</p><p>Perry shakes his head, accepting the mug. He’s been roommate hunting for a while, since Lawrence is moving into his fiancée’s house. He really doesn’t want to intrude on them, but he kind of has to have <em>someone</em> else in the same home as him. With all the deadly missions he’s being sent on lately, his PTSD has been flaring up a <em>lot</em>, and it’s getting <em>really</em> hard to wake up to an empty apartment.</p><p>Of course, trying to find a roommate when he has trust issues (on top of the muteness, his crazy work hours, and the fact that he’s trans, which is still a much bigger deal than he’d like it to be) isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do.</p><p>Really, nothing has been going well lately. It seems like every time he gets promoted, he gets a pay <em>cut</em>. His insurance has suddenly refused to cover the cost of his T, which means he's fighting them on that. And he’s <em>still </em>being sent on missions that could kill him on a regular basis.</p><p>You’d think he would get hazard pay for nearly being shot every two weeks, but no.</p><p>All that on top of the fact that his latest missions have made it almost impossible to keep a normal sleep schedule. Between constant jet lag and nightmares every time he closes his eyes, he’s barely getting any sleep. So he’s practically subsisting off coffee for the time being.</p><p>Now that he really thinks about it, yeah, he's not doing well. </p><p>At least Heinz makes good coffee. He drains most of the mug in one gulp, mildly amused when Heinz’s eyes go wide.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Heinz asks. “Seriously, I haven’t seen someone drink coffee that fast since college.”</p><p>Perry smiles thinly. <em>Might be easier to ask what isn’t wrong</em>, he signs, setting the empty mug on the end table.</p><p>“Oh jeez, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can help you with?”</p><p>He shrugs. <em>Unless you have a magic sleep wand somewhere, then I don’t really think so. </em></p><p>“Is there like, a specific problem, or is it just a general issue?”</p><p>Perry sighs. <em>It’s a god-awful combination of constant jet lag and PTSD, mostly. </em>Heinz winces, knowing about Perry’s issues after Perry had a particularly nasty flashback when he was over for dinner a couple months ago. <em>After Lawrence moved out, it’s gotten a lot harder. I’m trying to find some sort of roommate, but with everything, it’s kind of like finding a needle in a haystack.</em></p><p>“You know, you could live here?” Heinz offers.</p><p>Perry looks up in disbelief.</p><p>“Seriously. Vanessa loves you, and you were a real lifesaver with the whole Charlene thing last year. Literally <em>and</em> figuratively. You’re over here all the time for the whole nemesis thing anyway.”</p><p>
  <em>You mean it?</em>
</p><p>“I mean, yeah? You’re my closest friend, honestly. I trust you. There’s a spare room and bathroom in the basement, next to the lab, you’ve seen it. It’s not like we have guests, ever, so who else would use it?”</p><p>Perry’s eyes go wide. It <em>would</em> make everything much easier...and besides, isn’t this what he wanted? A somewhat normal family to come home to after a crazy day on the job?</p><p>Granted, this isn’t exactly the most conventional way to come into a family, but who ever said Perry was normal?</p><p>“Obviously, I’ll ask Vanessa first, but I have a feeling she’ll be okay with it. We can work the details out later of course, but think about it. Of course, this is only if <em>you</em> want to…”</p><p>
  <em>And you’re okay with the whole...PTSD thing?</em>
</p><p>“If it would help for you to be here with us, I’d be happy to have you here. The only question is, do <em>you</em> want to?”</p><p>Perry grins. <em>I’d love to. Thank you so much for this. </em></p><p>Heinz sticks out his right hand. “Deal?”</p><p>Perry grins, and shakes his hand. <em>Deal. </em></p>
<hr/><p>Perry moves in the next week, and it's the best decision he's made in a long time. </p><p>A family that's less chaotic than the Flynn-Fletchers. A family where when he has to leave on missions he doesn't come back and feel like an impostor. Where he doesn't have to tiptoe around the fact that he's a secret agent, since they <em>already know.</em></p><p>It's really beneficial for all of them. When he gets injured on a mission, Heinz is willing to help patch him up, and Perry returns the favor whenever Heinz’s arms act up. There’s more often than not someone to pick Vanessa up from school, and Perry is actually really good at cooking, so there’s usually something homemade in the fridge when Heinz is working late.</p><p>And it really <em>does</em> help him, when he wakes up out of what can only be described as a night terror, to know that a friend is just two flights of stairs away instead of across town.</p><p>A family, really. Within a few months, they’ve become a true family. Unconventional, for sure, but since when has Perry ever been normal? He’s practically become a second dad to Vanessa, and he's best of friends with Heinz. </p><p>There’s only one downside, and that’s the tiny flutter that tends to occur in his ribcage whenever Heinz smiles at him.</p><p>But that can be ignored. It’ll go away in four to six months. </p><p>Right?</p>
<hr/><p>Heinz sighs as he walks into the animal shelter with Vanessa. He doesn’t know how she did it, but she convinced him to at least <em>consider</em> getting a cat.</p><p>It’s not going to happen. No way. They are not getting a cat.</p><p>Although he supposes it would be easier than getting a dog. Dogs require walks, and a lot more fuss. At least with a cat, if none of them are home, it’s not too much of a big deal.</p><p>Though if you’re going by that logic, perhaps a fish would be the best pet.</p><p>Heinz walks into the room that Vanessa disappeared to. Vanessa already has a grey cat in her arms, gently petting it.</p><p>“Hey there, little <em>schtumpel</em>,” Heinz says. “Who’s this?”</p><p>“His temporary name is Meatloaf,” the shelter volunteer standing next to her says. “He’s three years old, which means he’s less energetic than a kitten, but he’s definitely a sweetie.”</p><p>“<em>I</em> think he’s perfect,” Vanessa says.</p><p>“She’s really good with cats,” the volunteer remarks.</p><p>Vanessa smiles. “I’m gonna name him Norm,” she coos, and Heinz’s heart melts.</p><p>The cat <em>is</em> rather cute, practically smiling as if he already knows what Heinz is going to say.</p><p>“Okay, okay,” he says, and Vanessa grins even broader. “As long as Perry isn’t allergic to cats. And <em>you</em> have to clean the litter box.”</p><p>Vanessa laughs. “I’ll do that,” she says, barely paying attention. The newly-christened Norm purrs in her arms, clearly self satisfied.</p><p>He pulls out his phone to text Perry.</p><p>
  <em>Are you allergic to cats?</em>
</p><p>Perry answers with <em>No, why?</em></p><p>Heinz responds with a picture of the cat. <em>She insisted. His name is Norm. </em></p><p>
  <em>Didn't u say u didn’t want a cat?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yeah...but V inherited my puppy-dog eyes. And he *is* rather cute.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That’s true. Might want to cat-proof the self-destruct buttons, tho.</em>
</p><p>“So can we keep him?” Vanessa asks, and Heinz smiles.</p>
<hr/><p>It’s another day in the life of the Doofenshmirtz family. Vanessa is most of the way through her seventh grade year, Heinz’s work is going well. Perry’s been running all over Danville for the past week, putting out figurative (and a few literal) fires, but what else is new?</p><p>It turns out having one of your interns accidentally turn evil because of the <em>other</em> Heinz Doofenshmirtz creates a lot of problems.</p><p>Thankfully, Perry has enough time between missions to pick Vanessa up from school and take her to the orthodontist. (He's been issued one of the new hovercars that can act as a normal, road-safe vehicle too...he figures that since he's picking up his <em>nemesis's</em> daughter, he can use it for this. )</p><p>“Hey Perry?” Vanessa asks as she gets into the car, tossing her backpack into the backseat. “Can we talk?”</p><p>Perry nods. <em>What’s up?</em></p><p>Vanessa sighs. “So when did you realize you liked boys?”</p><p>Ah. He had been wondering when this question was going to come up.</p><p>The truth is, he had thought he was a straight girl for the majority of his adolescence, and hadn't really questioned his attraction to guys. (Obviously, that changed. Figuring out everything had been quite the set of mental gymnastics, but he’s much happier with who he is now.)</p><p>Perry pulls out of the parking lot of James Buchanan Middle School and into traffic. <em>I guess I always knew, but that probably doesn’t help, does it?</em></p><p>Vanessa shakes her head. “Not really.” She sighs. “I mean, I think I like-like a girl in my science class? But I also like boys? I’m confused.”</p><p>
  <em>Sounds to me like you’re bisexual. </em>
</p><p>“I’m what? I don’t know that sign.”</p><p>Perry spells it out for her.</p><p>“Oh. I mean, I think so?”</p><p>
  <em>You don’t have to be sure just yet. You’ve got all sorts of time to figure out what you want.</em>
</p><p>Vanessa waves out the window at one of her friends. “That was Lacey,” she says in way of explanation. She looks down at her lap. “She’s the one that I like-like.”</p><p>She looks nice enough. <em>Well, no matter who you want to date,</em> Perry signs,<em> just don’t date jerks. </em></p><p>“Thanks, Perry.”</p><p>
  <em>No problem. </em>
</p><p>They drive in quiet for a while. Perry fiddles with the radio, but nothing good is on, so he turns it back off.</p><p>“Wait,” Vanessa says, “should I tell Dad about this? D’you think he’ll be okay with it?”</p><p>
  <em>He’s fine with me, isn’t he?</em>
</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right. I forgot that you’re, y’know, trans and all that.”</p><p>
  <em>Still, you should come out when you’re ready. Don’t force yourself to do something you’re uncomfortable with.</em>
</p><p>Vanessa hums. “I think I’ll tell him at dinner tonight, okay?”</p><p>Perry nods. <em>Sounds good to me. </em></p><p>“Thanks, Perry.”</p><p>He pulls into the parking lot of the orthodontist’s, just as his watch starts to beep. <em>No problem. </em></p><p>“Do you have work?” Vanessa asks.</p><p>
  <em>Apparently. Your dad is still at work, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back in time. Do you have bus money?</em>
</p><p>Vanessa nods, grabbing her backpack from the backseat. “Right here,” she says, patting the smallest pocket on her navy blue backpack. “You’ll make sure that Dad makes something soft for dinner, right?”</p><p>Perry nods. <em>Of course. Love you.</em></p><p>“Love you too, Da-Perry,” Vanessa says as she gets out of the car.</p><p><em>Nice save,</em> Perry signs (it isn’t the first time), laughing as Vanessa sticks her tongue out at him.</p><p>Three hours later, as Perry returns from his mission, a stakeout-turned-firefight (with actual flamethrowers, that was fun), Heinz ambushes him at the front door.</p><p>“Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?” he asks.</p><p><em>Yeah, sure. </em>Perry looks down at the burn on his arm. <em>But I need to patch myself up, so let’s go downstairs. </em></p><p>As soon as they’re downstairs, Perry sitting on the floor as he bandages up his forearm (avoiding OWCA Medical means he won’t have to stay overnight for something that really isn’t that bad, but it also means he has to do most of his own patching-up), Heinz starts to talk.</p><p>“So I’m bi,” he starts, and Perry’s eyes snap up from his arm. “And I want to tell Vanessa, but I’m worried that it’ll be weird, because who wants to know that about their parents?”</p><p>Well. Perry had been suspecting Heinz was bi for a while, but it’s nice to have his suspicions confirmed.</p><p>Perry ties off the bandage and snaps the first-aid kit shut. <em>If you want to tell her, you should. </em></p><p>“Yeah, but is that gonna make things weird? I don’t want things to be weird…”</p><p>If only he knew that Vanessa asked nearly the same question earlier. Well, he always figured that none of them were straight. It’s good to know he was right.</p><p>Perry shakes his head. <em>I don’t think it’ll be weird.</em></p><p>“Then when do you think I should tell her?”</p><p>
  <em>If you’re comfortable with it, probably sooner rather than later.</em>
</p><p>“What about...tonight? During dinner?”</p><p>Perry nods. <em>If that’s what you want to do.</em> His watch goes off, but this time it’s just a reminder instead of work.</p><p>He almost forgot it was Wednesday. <em>Speaking of dinner, </em>he signs as he puts the first-aid kit away and takes a smaller blue box out, <em>you should probably get started on that. </em></p><p>“Yeah, I probably should, shouldn’t I?” Heinz asks, looking at his own watch and turning to leave. “Aren’t you coming?”</p><p>
  <em>I have to do my shot. I’ll be up in a few moments. </em>
</p><p>“Ah. Right.” He pauses. “Hey, can I ask you something?”</p><p>Perry looks up. <em>Go ahead. </em></p><p>“I...um…” He shakes his head. “Never mind. I’m going to make dinner.”</p><p>
  <em>Make sure to make it soft, Vanessa had her braces adjusted today.</em>
</p><p>“Right,” Heinz says, “right. Mac and cheese sound good?”</p><p>Perry nods, rifling through the band-aids in the blue box. (Dammit, he’s out of the Spiderman ones.)</p><p>He leaves the bathroom, leaving Perry to do his shot on his own.</p><p>Later, when they’re eating dinner, Heinz clears his throat. “So, um...I have something to tell you, Vanessa.”</p><p>Vanessa looks up from her mac and cheese, propping her face up on one hand. As Heinz was making dinner, she had been telling Perry about the extra wire they had to put around one bracket, and how much it hurt.</p><p>Perry had promptly made sure that there was ice cream in the freezer.</p><p>“Yeah?” she says.</p><p>“I’m, uh, I’m bisexual,” he says, and Vanessa’s eyes go wide.</p><p>She swallows. “Wait, what?”</p><p>“It means I like boys and girls,” Heinz says, clearly awkward.</p><p>“No, Dad, I know what it means,” Vanessa says. “I, um, so am I.”</p><p>It’s Heinz’s turn to be surprised. “You’re bi too?”</p><p>Vanessa nods. Both of them look towards Perry, who's reaching down to pet Norm. “Did you know we’re both bi?” Heinz asks.</p><p>Perry nods, rather nonchalantly. It was rather obvious (especially with Vanessa), but feelings are best figured out by the person who has them, so he hadn’t said anything.</p><p>“So does this mean <em>Norm</em> is the straightest...being in the house?” Vanessa asks, and the three of them laugh.</p><p>Who knows. </p><p>As their laughs fade away, Perry catches Heinz’s eye, and for a very brief moment, something sparks in his chest. Unlike the previous flutters, this one doesn’t leave. Instead, it jumpstarts his heart, practically causing it to beat double-time.</p><p>He vehemently ignores that feeling. Nothing good can <em>ever</em> come of that.</p><p>(A week later, the horrible clay vase on the kitchen counter that Vanessa made in third grade winds up with a handful of those little pride flags in it. A rainbow flag, two bi flags, and a trans flag. Perry smiles every time he sees it.)</p>
<hr/><p>“So what electives do you think I should take?” Vanessa asks, twirling her pencil around in mid air. “I mean, I’m going to <em>high school</em>, I want to do <em>something</em> interesting.”</p><p>Perry hums, setting the cheese grater down next to the cutting board. Heinz is on a date tonight, so Perry’s making dinner for himself and Vanessa. <em>Do you have a language?</em> He asks.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m taking Spanish, and band obviously, but I don’t know what to put in my last class slot.”</p><p>
  <em>You’ve got all your required classes in there, right?</em>
</p><p>“Yep. Bio, history, English, math, and a semester each of PE and health.”</p><p>
  <em>Well, what are your options for electives?</em>
</p><p>Vanessa picks up the list of classes and skims it. “Art, ceramics, journalism, drama...I could do choir, I guess.”</p><p>Perry raises an eyebrow, putting basil into the blender (one Heinz has tinkered with, so he checks it over for a self-destruct button, just in case) with some pine nuts. “Yeah, me either,” Vanessa says. “Let’s see. Wood shop, yearbook, home ec...”</p><p>
  <em>You have time to think about it. There’s no need to make a decision today.</em>
</p><p>“I know, I know.” She sighs. “Maybe I’ll take Spanish <em>and</em> French.”</p><p>
  <em>Best to focus on one language at a time.</em>
</p><p>She laughs. “Yeah, you’re one to talk. Don’t you know like, four or something?”</p><p>Perry has to think about that for a moment. ASL and English, he obviously knows. Spanish and Russian, for some areas of international work. Enough French and Chinese to hold a basic interrogation (or a conversation). Hypothetically, he also knows BSL, but it's been seven odd years since he's had to use it, so who knows. Bits and pieces of others.</p><p>
  <em>Something like that, yeah. But I learned those one by one. Trust me, it’s much easier. </em>
</p><p>“So no French.” Vanessa looks back at the paper in her hand. “I kind of want to take ceramics, but freshmen never get into that.”</p><p><em>You can always put it down</em>, Perry signs, adding some oil to the blender and starting it, <em>and have some backups that you actually want. Trust me, you don’t want to get stuck with drama when you can’t speak.</em></p><p>“Did that happen to you?” Vanessa asks, and Perry nods as he reaches for the pasta. Ah, the mistakes of his youth. Boy is he glad to be out of school.</p><p>The front door opens. Perry puts the pasta down on the counter, going to see who it is, even though he already knows.</p><p>Heinz is standing there, forehead pressed against the door, so Perry churrs to get his attention.</p><p>“Hey Perry,” Heinz says with a sigh, turning around.</p><p><em>Your date didn’t go well? </em>Perry asks.</p><p>Heinz shakes his head. “Roger texted to tell me my date was a serial cheater, about thirty seconds before he walked in the door. Long story short, I told him I knew and walked out. Sure dodged a bullet there.” He laughs, but it’s a bit forced. “What’s for dinner?”</p><p>
  <em>Well, you got here just before I put the pasta on, so you’re in luck. I’m making pesto pasta, since the basil has finally grown up enough. </em>
</p><p>“See, I knew starting herbs inside while it was still cold was a good idea,” Heinz says as they walk back into the kitchen. Perry starts the pasta cooking as Heinz greets Vanessa.</p><p>“And how’s my favorite little <em>schtumpel</em> doing?” he asks, sitting down at the table.</p><p>“Pretty good, although I can’t decide on my electives for next year,” Vanessa says, gesturing towards the papers in front of her.</p><p>Heinz looks at the list of classes. “Can you take a second science class?” he asks.</p><p>“What, and take chemistry?” Vanessa asks. “I know that’s what Lacey’s doing, but I don’t know if <em>I </em>want to do that.”</p><p>“What about...music theory?”</p><p>“Upperclassmen only.”</p><p>“Is there a jazz band?”</p><p>“Yeah, but it meets at six AM, before school.” Vanessa shudders.</p><p>Heinz suggests several other things as Perry finishes making the pesto.</p><p><em>You could take another PE class and knock out that whole credit,</em> he suggests as he stirs in the parmesan.</p><p>“Eh,” Vanessa says, “but that would mean taking PE for the whole year. Or twice in one semester. Bleh.”</p><p>“What sort of tech options are there?” Heinz asks. “Is there a programming class?”</p><p>“Yeah...oh, there’s a CAD class. That actually sounds pretty cool.” Vanessa writes something down onto her paper. “Thanks, guys.”</p><p>“No problem,” Heinz says, leaning over to hug Vanessa.</p><p>“So how’d your date go?” Vanessa asks. “I’m assuming that since you’re here now, not well?”</p><p>Heinz shakes his head. “I dodged a bullet, really.” He sighs. “I completely forgot how hard dating is. You get it, right?” He asks Perry.</p><p><em>Oh yeah, </em>Perry says, leaning up against the counter. <em>Everything’s going fine, then I come out and things get weird. </em></p><p>“I didn’t even <em>think</em> about that,” Heinz says. “I just know that nobody wants to date somebody with a kid, especially not somebody with my crazy work hours on top of that.” He reaches over and ruffles Vanessa’s hair. “Don’t worry, little <em>schtumpel</em>, I’d choose you any day.”</p><p>Perry sighs. <em>Dating is hard.</em></p><p>“Amen to that.” Heinz looks pointedly at Vanessa. “It’s not worth it. Be a crazy cat lady instead.”</p><p>In another room, Norm hacks up a hairball.</p><p>“Or...not,” Heinz says. “Just make sure that you don't date jerks, okay?”</p><p>Vanessa nods. “I have better taste than that, <em>vatti</em>,” she says. “Ye of little faith. I’m going to go clean up after Norm.”</p><p>Heinz sighs as she walks away. “I just wish I could date someone that already knows me,” he says to Perry. “Somebody who I’m already friends with, y’know? Somebody I can trust.”</p><p>Perry nods in understanding. <em>I wish I could find somebody that I’m already out to,</em> he signs. <em>Then I’d know already that they like me for me. </em>For a long moment, they look into each other’s eyes, each with a hesitant smile.</p><p>Vanessa rolls her eyes as she cleans up the cat barf. It’d be so much easier on <em>all</em> of them if they just admitted that they like each other. Then she wouldn’t have to suffer through this constantly.</p>
<hr/><p>Heinz lays awake, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. It’s a warm night in July and he can’t freaking sleep. The faint glow coming from his alarm clock casts strange shadows over random objects in his room, and he starts counting sheep again.</p><p>When he reaches two thousand, four hundred and ninety six sheep and still isn’t sleepy, he sighs and sits up. </p><p>Well, since he can’t sleep, maybe he can wait up for Perry to come home.</p><p>Perry <em>should</em> be home tonight, at least. He’s been sent to another far corner of the globe on a week-long mission, and he said he was coming home tonight. </p><p>Heinz looks over at his alarm clock. It says one AM, but it’s kind of an old clock and he still hasn’t changed it to the current daylight savings time, so it’s actually two AM.</p><p>Eh, even if Perry doesn’t come home tonight (technically, it’s the next morning, but he doesn’t care), he’ll be home soon. His work is rather unpredictable at the best of times.</p><p>And hey, if Heinz going to be up anyway, might as well make some fresh almond brittle, right?</p><p>He gets out of bed, putting on a robe and his glasses, wincing at the aches in his shoulders. Damn, he’s been putting off doing the usual tune-up for far too long.</p><p>Once he can spare a few hours to do the software upgrades, the motor cleaning, and the fuck-ton of nerve work that always needs to be done, he’ll do it. Hopefully, once things slow down at work, he’ll have enough time to do it. </p><p>As he melts the butter in a pan, he can hear the noise of Perry’s motorcycle pulling into the driveway.</p><p>Oh good. He <em>is</em> home. Heinz adds the sugar and almonds to the butter as Perry walks in the door.</p><p>Looking over his shoulder, he can see Perry start a bit when he realizes somebody else is still awake. Perry’s wearing his glasses and his hair is all over the place, and Heinz bites back a sigh.</p><p>Truly, someone who’s that overworked has no right to be that adorable.</p><p>“Hey there,” Heinz says in a quiet voice, doing his best to not wake Vanessa up.</p><p>Perry waves in acknowledgement, loosening his tie as he sits down at the kitchen table. Heinz can tell just how exhausted he is as he slumps over.</p><p>“You okay?” he asks over his shoulder, not wanting to let the sugar burn.</p><p>Perry gives a non committal churr. Even without looking, Heinz can tell that he’s exhausted from his mission.</p><p>“You’ve got today off, though?” he asks, looking back so he can see Perry’s response.</p><p>Perry lifts his head off the table. <em>Debrief at seven AM today, then I’m on active assignment ‘til five PM. </em></p><p>“Oh come on. They don’t even give OWCA’s best agent more than five hours of sleep? And they expect you to be functional?”</p><p>
  <em>I’ll get through it, coffee works miracles.</em>
</p><p>“Jeez. Even <em>I </em>have better hours.”</p><p>
  <em>I know, I know. But there’s nothing I can do about it.</em>
</p><p>“Well, if you have to be at OWCA at seven in the morning, you should go to sleep now.”</p><p><em>I’m still trying to process everything, don’t think I can sleep just yet. I swear, </em>he signs, <em>my brain is like a computer from the eighties.</em></p><p>“Takes forever to process stuff, can’t process when it’s asleep, then glitches out and only saves the stuff you thought you deleted six months ago?”</p><p>
  <em>Actually...yeah. That’s a surprisingly good metaphor. </em>
</p><p>Heinz hums as he takes the almond brittle mixture off the stove and spreads it into a baking sheet. “So do you want to talk about it, or do you want a distraction?”</p><p>
  <em>Distract me?</em>
</p><p>“Sure thing,” he says as he puts the almond brittle into the freezer to harden up. “Hey, did I ever tell you the story about how I lost my right arm?”</p><p>Perry looks up in alarm.</p><p>“Don’t worry, it’s actually pretty funny. Well, sort of. It’s lighter than the mauling.” He shudders. Now there’s an unpleasant backstory. Getting lost while camping with your parents, then getting mauled by Central American wildcats (despite being in <em>Drusselstein</em>) is <em>not</em> exactly his idea of a good time.</p><p>Perry still looks freaked out, so Heinz smiles reassuringly. “It's okay. I won't tell that one tonight. Come sit with me,” he says, sitting down on the couch and patting the cushion next to him. Perry takes off his glasses and hands them to Heinz before curling up into his side.</p><p>Oh. This- well, it isn't exactly what he meant, but he's <em>definitely</em> not going to complain. </p><p>He sets Perry’s glasses on the end table and turns on the lamp, then wraps an arm around Perry’s shoulders.</p><p>It’s nice to have Perry tucked next to him like this. If only he could ignore the way his face heats up at their closeness, or the way the butterflies in his stomach flutter when Perry makes that little purr-like noise that means he’s happy.</p><p>Ah, the joys of having a crush on your best friend.</p><p>Now, to find a way to keep Perry's mind off his latest mission, at least for a little while. </p><p>Back when Vanessa was little, he used to read to her before he went to bed. She would always fall asleep before he finished the chapter of whatever book they were reading.</p><p>He always thought that happened <em>despite</em> his horribly gravelly voice. But with Perry curled up into his side like this, nearly asleep, it reminds him of when he used to read to his daughter. It's worth a try, since his mind has somewhat short-circuited by their closeness and he can't think of anything else. </p><p>Hmm, what sort of things would keep Perry’s mind off his mission, but still let him sleep? He looks at the small stack of books on the end table. Something of Vanessa’s that looks dark and depressing, a cheesy romance novel, and a book on dimensional science.</p><p>He picks up the book on dimensional science and opens it. Eh, why not? Perry jokes that he’s bored to sleep when Heinz goes on a science rant (although he still manages to pay attention), it’ll be perfect.</p><p>“Chapter one, the existence of multiple dimensions,” he starts, and he can feel Perry’s shoulders shake briefly in amusement. A nice contrast to the barely-there trembling. “What, it’s fascinating. And distracting. Anyway, chapter one. For many decades, scientists have pondered the existence of multiple dimensions…”</p><p>He reads the book aloud for what ends up being almost an hour, smiling as he feels Perry fall asleep against him.</p><p>Really, he should be sending Perry to bed, but he’s warm and cuddly and...perfect. Norm is purring on Perry's lap, Perry is tucked into Heinz’s side, everything is just so peaceful. He could stay here <em>forever</em>. </p><p>But they should both get to bed, since they have work in the morning, and sleeping on the couch really screws with Heinz’s back. (He’s not sure about Perry, but sleeping on a couch is good for nobody, so off to bed they go.)</p><p>Before he makes Perry go to bed, though, there’s one more thing he needs to do. He gets up, extracting himself from Perry’s sleepy grip without disturbing him (somehow) and walks into the kitchen. He picks up the phone and dials a number that’s pinned to the corkboard above it.</p><p>“Hello, you’ve reached the OWCA all-hours hotline,” a voice on the other end says. “Please hold while we connect you to an OWCA representative.”</p><p>Heinz sighs as mediocre jazz plays through the tinny phone speaker, watching Perry sleep. Somehow, he's even more adorable like this. He looks almost like an angel, really. </p><p>Is the almond brittle done cooling yet? Heinz opens the freezer and pokes at it.</p><p>Not quite. It needs another twenty minutes or so.</p><p>“Hello, you’ve reached the OWCA all-hours hotline,” a tired-sounding person on the other end finally says. “How may I help you?”</p><p>“Hello? I’m Perry the Platypus’s nemesis, and I-”</p><p>“Hang on, man. You said Perry the Platypus’s nemesis, so you’re...one moment...Heinz Doofershmitz, right?”</p><p>Well, at least it was <em>sort of</em> close. Heinz nods, before he realizes the person on the other end can’t see him. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Okay, keep going.”</p><p>“I just wanted to say that I’m going to be, um, very super totally evil tomorrow and that Perry the Platypus won’t be able to come into your office until at <em>least</em> the afternoon. Because he’ll be, uh, stopping me from taking over the world. Because I’m super duper evil. Yeah.”</p><p>“Alright,” the person on the other end says. “We’ll update his scheduling accordingly. Have a nice night, Dr. Dooflyshnirtz.”</p><p>“You too,” Heinz says, hanging up just before he realizes he probably should have been more evil about that whole call.</p><p>Eh, it worked, he’s not going to complain. Perry gets to sleep, which is what really matters. </p><p>Perry churrs sleepily from the couch, and Heinz goes back over to him.</p><p><em>Who were you calling?</em> He asks, right as his watch goes off. Heinz hands him his glasses so he can read the notification.</p><p>His eyebrows go up as he reads the screen. He looks up at Heinz. <em>That’s weird, I’m not due in until 3 now.</em> He narrows his eyes. <em>What did you do?</em></p><p>Heinz shrugs with a smile. “Eh, I just said I would be super duper evil tomorrow and you’d be busy stopping me.”</p><p>
  <em>You called OWCA and lied to them?</em>
</p><p>“Well, <em>yeah,</em> what sort of evil scientist would I be if I didn’t lie to my nemesis’s secret agency?”</p><p>
  <em>I guess you are technically my nemesis, and whoever was on phone duty tonight didn’t bother checking the files, so it’s really their fault.</em>
</p><p>“Exactly. Now, go get some sleep.”</p><p>Perry smiles, then yawns. <em>Thank you</em>, he signs, picking Norm up off his lap and getting up. <em>Good night.</em></p><p>“Good night, Perry,” Heinz says as Perry opens the door to the basement. “Sleep well.”</p><p>Perry smiles, and Heinz can feel the flutter in his chest practically double.</p><p>Hey, even if it won’t be reciprocated, at least it’s a nice feeling.</p>
<hr/><p>Vanessa groans and faceplants into her textbook. Perry looks up from his paperwork, watching as she drops her pencil to the table.</p><p><em>Everything okay?</em> He asks once she looks up.</p><p>She props her face up with one hand. “Why do my teachers have to assign so much <em>work</em>? I thought you said high school wouldn’t be that bad.”</p><p>Perry shrugs. <em>Same reason my superiors assign so much paperwork. Because they can. Besides, it’s easier than college. </em>He makes a face at the pile of paperwork he still has left to do. Intense and long missions, like the one he just got back from yesterday (two weeks in the fucking <em>Arctic</em>), tend to produce a lot of paperwork.</p><p>He glances at his watch. Half past ten PM. How has it gotten so late?</p><p><em>It’s late, you should get to bed</em>, he signs. <em>Getting some sleep will help. At least you get to sleep in a bit tomorrow. </em></p><p>“That’s right,” Vanessa mumbles, “it’s a teacher workday.”</p><p>
  <em>You’ve still got band practice at nine, so you can’t sleep in all that much.</em>
</p><p>“Yeah,” Vanessa says as she packs up her homework, “Mrs. McKee wants the drumline to stay after rehearsal for another half-hour, by the way.”</p><p><em>Just text one of us when you need to be picked up,</em> Perry signs.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll do that.” Vanessa yawns. “Are you going to bed?”</p><p>
  <em>Nah, I’ll wait up for your dad. </em>
</p><p>“You sure? I can wait up with you…”</p><p>
  <em>He’ll be home soon. Besides, you’re growing, you need your sleep.</em>
</p><p>“If you say so.” She picks up her books and papers, heading for the stairs. “Night, Perry.”</p><p>
  <em>Love you. Good night.</em>
</p><p>Vanessa disappears up the stairs, heading to her room. Perry pulls out his phone and earbuds, putting some music on and continuing the long slog of his reports.</p><p>It’s going on eleven thirty when Heinz finally gets home. He waves sort of half-heartedly at Perry, setting his bag and glasses down on the table before flopping face-down on the couch.</p><p>Perry sets his pen down and gets up, churring to get Heinz’s attention.</p><p><em>Everything okay?</em> He asks once Heinz is looking.</p><p>“Had to train two new kids today. And the lab almost caught on fire. Again. At least I’ve got tomorrow off.”</p><p>
  <em>You should get to bed, you look exhausted.</em>
</p><p>Heinz grumbles something into the couch cushions.</p><p>
  <em>Or you can stay there and regret it in the morning. Your call. I’m going to bed now, do you want me to take Vanessa to band practice in the morning?</em>
</p><p>“Yeah, that’d be great. You’re a lifesaver, Perry.”</p><p>Perry shuffles his paperwork into one neat stack, sticking his pens in his back pocket, then heads downstairs to his room.</p><p>When he gets down to his room, he realizes that he left his phone on the kitchen table, so he goes back upstairs to retrieve it.</p><p>Heinz is already asleep on the couch when he gets back upstairs. Perry grabs his phone and puts it in his pocket, ready to head back downstairs.</p><p>But he pauses. Sleeping like that on the couch will make anyone ache come morning, and Heinz is already exhausted from his long day.</p><p>So he picks Heinz up off the couch, gently as to not wake him up, and carries him up to his room.</p><p>As he carries him upstairs, Heinz curls up closer into Perry’s arms. Perry smiles, although he’s not quite sure <em>why</em> he’s smiling.</p><p>He sets Heinz down on his bed, pulling the lab coat off his shoulders and draping it over the back of a chair. Gently, he pulls up the blanket to tuck Heinz in.</p><p>Before he can stop himself, Perry reaches out and runs a hand through Heinz’s hair. It’s much softer than he expected it to be, and his smile grows wider.</p><p>And because he isn’t thinking, he brushes a gentle kiss to Heinz’s forehead before he switches off the light and leaves.</p><p>As he goes back downstairs, his face heats up with the realization of what he did.</p><p>He actually sort of kissed Heinz. And the more he thinks about it, the more he can’t decide whether that was a good decision or a bad one.</p><p>There’s no denying it anymore. No plausible deniability whatsoever.</p><p>He’s got a crush on Heinz. A crush that’s lasted through how many years? Almost five, now that he really thinks about it.</p><p>Perry falls onto his bed face-first, really wishing that he could scream into his pillow. As it is, the most he can really do is a frustrated churr.</p><p>Of course, he already knows that Heinz is bi. He just doesn’t know if Heinz likes him <em>back</em>. And that’s really the essential question, isn’t it?</p><p>As he gets ready for bed, he’s almost left dizzy by the force of how much he’s been keeping from himself. All the times he’s been left breathless by the way Heinz smiles. All the times his heart has skipped a beat because Heinz merely walked into the room. The happy domestic life that they’ve been living together is just the cherry on top.</p><p>Now that he's finally thinking about it, he realizes every instance is another symptom of infatuation.</p><p>There’s only one tiny problem- he <em>lives</em> with Heinz. They’re best of friends. If things don’t go well...then what?</p><p>It would be easier to try and get over it.</p><p>He sighs and switches off his light, collapsing into bed. That’s a problem he can think about in the <em>morning</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>It’s almost a year later when Perry finally decides to confess his feelings.</p><p>And it’s almost accidental when he does.</p><p>He and Vanessa are playing Mario Kart, just like most Saturday evenings (at least, when Vanessa doesn't have band competitions). Heinz is on his way home, there’s a casserole in the oven, Perry’s done with his paperwork.</p><p>And just like always, he’s losing to Vanessa.</p><p>Vanessa cackles maniacally as she crosses the finish line, just a few seconds ahead of Perry. “That’s another win for me,” she crows.</p><p><em>Yeah, well, put it on Rainbow Road and we’ll see how well you do</em>, Perry signs.</p><p>“Hey, no fair,” she pouts. “You know I suck at that course.”</p><p>
  <em>And you winning all the time is fair?</em>
</p><p>“Yep!” she says brightly, but she selects Rainbow Road anyway.</p><p>Perry’s actually in the lead, and by a decent margin, when Vanessa says something completely out of the blue.</p><p>“So you have a crush on Dad, huh?”</p><p>Perry whips his head around to face Vanessa, sputtering. On screen, Waluigi falls off the track.</p><p>When did she figure <em>that</em> out? It’s not like he’s <em>obvious</em> about it. In fact, he’s tried to keep it under wraps, for almost this exact reason.</p><p>She wins the race. “Ha, I’m the drift queen. You can’t beat me!”</p><p><em>Only because you cheated,</em> Perry signs with a grumbling churr. </p><p>“What, how was that cheating? You didn’t have to react like that.”</p><p><em>I-</em> Perry stops. Technically, she’s right, <em>but</em>…</p><p>
  <em>You knew I would react so you said it to get an advantage. See, cheating. </em>
</p><p>“Fine, fine. But I gotta say, Dad’s never gonna make a move, so you’re gonna have to be the one to ask him out.”</p><p>Perry leans back into the couch cushions. <em>What makes you think that won’t end horribly wrong? For that matter, what makes you think he likes me back?</em></p><p>“Because I have eyes." To demonstrate this ownership of eyes, she rolls them. "Duh.”</p><p>
  <em>And what’s that supposed to mean?</em>
</p><p>“You two are always goo-goo over each other. Honestly, I’m surprised you aren’t married already.”</p><p>Perry raises one eyebrow. That’s a good one. <em>Oh yeah?</em></p><p>“You’re practically my second dad. Actually, scratch that, you <em>are</em> my other dad. Oh hey, Norm.”</p><p>Norm jumps up onto Vanessa’s lap, demanding scritches.</p><p>“Anyway,” Vanessa says, absentmindedly petting Norm, “I’m seriously sick of you two pining over each other. Just tell him that you like him already, and be done with it.”</p><p>“Who likes who?” Heinz asks, walking into the room. Perry <em>definitely</em> didn't hear him come home.</p><p>Vanessa smirks. “Oh, Perry’s just kind of clueless. He has a crush on <em>someone</em>, but he doesn’t realize that the guy he likes feels the same way.” She looks pointedly at Perry. “Personally, <em>I</em> think he should tell this guy.”</p><p>Heinz laughs nervously. “You like someone, huh? Who is this guy? Anybody I know?”</p><p>Perry shrugs, already feeling his face heating up. <em>You could say that.</em></p><p>“What’s he like? Is he cute?”</p><p>At least he can answer this one fully. Perry nods emphatically. <em>He’s amazing, he’s sweet and caring and yeah, he’s cute. </em></p><p>Vanessa looks back and forth between Perry and Heinz, nodding and smiling.</p><p>“It sounds like you really like him. You should tell him how you feel.”</p><p>Vanessa stifles a laugh. “See, even Dad agrees,” she says, elbowing Perry.</p><p><em>Okay, okay, I’ll tell him</em>, he signs. Well, this isn’t ideal confession time, but who cares?</p><p>But right before he can even sign the start of an explanation out, or even ask Vanessa to leave the room, his watch goes off.</p><p>“You should probably answer that, huh?” Heinz says. He almost sounds wistful, and Perry winces a bit as he steps into the office to answer his watch.</p><p>“Hello, Agent P,” Major Monogram says. “The -inator alarm on the ex-Professor Panic has been going off again, we want you to go check it out.”</p><p>Professor Panic? He’s gone senile. That man can barely feed himself. His daughter lives with him to care for him. There’s no way he’s up and building -inators.</p><p>Evidently, Carl knows this too, since he pulls the major aside.</p><p>“Oh,” the major says a minute later. “Sorry about that, Agent P. The -inator alarm system <em>has</em> been on the fritz lately, we should really fix that. Go back to whatever you were doing.”</p><p>The watch goes dark. Perry sighs. Once again, Major Monogram’s insistence to call in agents at the first sign of trouble has made a mess of things.</p><p>Perry leaves the office. Vanessa seems to have shut off the TV, and she’s gone.</p><p>Heinz leans with his back against the kitchen counter, looking at a photo in his hand.</p><p>“Oh, Perry, I wish I could tell you this, but you seem to like someone else,” he says, his voice almost melancholy, and Perry ducks back into the office. He shouldn’t be hearing this, it isn’t meant for him.</p><p>The secret agent in him disagrees with that, though, and he peeks around the door frame so he can watch and listen.</p><p>He sighs. “Perry, you’re just...I don’t even know how to say it. You’re amazing. You’re such a good dad to Vanessa. I’ve seen how much you care for your niece and nephews. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”</p><p>Heinz smiles down at the photo. “You’re so wonderful. Makes me wonder what I did to deserve you. I wish that I could tell you how happy you make me, when you smile. I wish I could describe how you make me feel, but I’m not sure if those words exist.” He laughs, and Perry can instantly relate.</p><p>“I know I’ve been in love before,” he continues, “but this felt like something different. Something more certain, something...better.”</p><p>Is he...?</p><p>His voice shakes as he talks to himself. “I never believed in true love, not until I met you. I- I love you, Perry."</p><p>He <em>is.</em> Heinz Doofenshmirtz is in <em>love</em> with him. He's really, actually in lo- oh, he's still talking. </p><p>"I just wish I could say that to you properly. I love you so much it almost <em>hurts</em>.”</p><p>He sighs and lets his head drop. “Oh, who am I kidding. There’s no way he likes me back, I should quit talking to myself. He likes somebody else.”</p><p>Okay, that’s enough. Perry walks down the hall towards Heinz. He’s about halfway down when the floor creaks under his foot.</p><p>“Perry?” Heinz whips his head up, the photo dropping out of his hand and drifting gently to the floor. “What- How much of that did you hear?”</p><p>He shrugs as he walks to stand by Heinz’s side. <em>Most of it.</em></p><p>Heinz winces. “So you’re coming to say that you don’t like me like that, right?”</p><p><em>Why would I ever say that? </em>Perry asks, casually (or at least, as casually as one can be when they realize the person they’ve been in love with for literal years likes them back) leaning against the counter top.</p><p>“Because it’s true?” Heinz guesses, still looking like he ate a lemon.</p><p>
  <em>And who told you that?</em>
</p><p>“Uh, you? You were talking about someone completely different earlier.”</p><p>Perry shakes his head. <em>No, I was talking about you. </em></p><p>“Okay, now you’re just lying to me.”</p><p>Perry narrows his eyes. <em>What makes you think I would do that?</em></p><p>“I asked you if you thought this guy was cute, and you said yes. So <em>obviously, </em>you weren’t talking about me.”</p><p>This is getting ridiculous. Perry picks the photo up from the ground. A picture of the three of them, taken at some point during Vanessa’s sixth grade year.</p><p>Perry smiles. They were all much younger, but even then they still loved each other. It wouldn’t be romantic between him and Heinz for a little while yet, but the three of them were still a happy family.</p><p>Heinz gulps. “Perry? Are you okay? I...I’m sorry, I should have kept my mouth shut. Please don’t be mad.”</p><p>Perry narrows his eyes. Why would he be mad about this? Briefly, he considers explaining everything in sign...but there’s a bit faster way to get things across. He grabs onto the lapels of Heinz’s lab coat and pulls him down into a kiss.</p><p>For a brief moment, Heinz freezes in shock, before he responds in kind. One slender hand winds through Perry’s hair, the other comes to rest against his hip.</p><p>Heinz pulls back after a little bit, his face flushed bright red. “So...you like me?” he asks, still hesitant despite Perry kissing him. “You really, truly like me?”</p><p>Perry smiles. <em>I love you,</em> he signs, watching as the flush on Heinz’s face spreads all the way to the tips of his ears. <em>You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that. </em></p><p>“Then may I…” Heinz trails off, running his thumb along Perry’s cheek.</p><p>Perry nods. <em>Absolutely. </em></p><p>Heinz leans down and kisses Perry again. Perry lets himself melt into the kiss, eyes sliding closed and arms wrapping around Heinz’s body to pull them closer together.</p><p>Damn, this is nice. Why didn’t they start doing this much, <em>much</em> earlier?</p><p>The oven beeps. Perry and Heinz jump away from each other in surprise, having nearly forgotten their surroundings.</p><p>“Took you guys long enough,” Vanessa says as she takes the casserole out, having appeared from nowhere. Heinz sputters a bit, trying to explain their rather sudden relationship, but Perry lays a comforting hand on his arm and he quiets.</p><p>Vanessa smiles. “Congrats, though. I’m happy for you guys.”</p><p>Norm weaves between their legs, purring, and Heinz smiles. </p><p>“Betcha never thought this would happen when you got assigned to me, huh?” he asks, and Perry nods.</p><p>Hey, he might not have predicted it...but it’s better than anything he could even dream of.</p><p>And that’s got to count for something, right?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Me writing this in Google Docs: oh this isn't all that many words, maybe 5k max</p><p>Me pasting this into AO3 and checking the preview: well okay then</p><p>Comments and kudos always appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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